she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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