I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
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we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
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Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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