dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
