Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize