Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
They took my balls.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
