Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
