my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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