So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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