He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
