For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
