Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
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Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
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Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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