cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
