Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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