I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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