Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
