i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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