Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
