so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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