Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
