So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI