So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.