i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.