I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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