The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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