he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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