The maid of honor just puked.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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