I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
