Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Two words: nipple clamps
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