i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
