i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
