like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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