I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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