genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
