I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
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On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
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That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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