I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
