So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
