im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
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we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
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Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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