he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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