she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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