i wish there were pregnant emoticons
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
