so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
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We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
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I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude