Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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