Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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