I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Is it penis luge time yet?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
