I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
