How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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