Need sex. Gaining weight.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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