She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
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When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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