420 ftw
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
