wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
