My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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