It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Randomize
