just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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