My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I deserve this hangover.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
