Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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