I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
