Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
