this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
