can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
