dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
