I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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