i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
