Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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